Of the blog series that I’ve decided to write, I knew from the start that this would be the most difficult. It was also the one I most wanted to write, because I think that it might be helpful to someone if I put my experience out into the world.
I suffer from chronic depression.
This is a scary thing to admit to the world, because I know that this will define how some people see me. In a face-to-face conversation, I’ll say, “I was diagnosed with depression in the past, but I’m fine now.” That’s true, but not the whole truth. True that I’m not in therapy anymore, and I’m not on any medication. I’m active and can find energy from day to day to do the things I am expected to do. But I am also hyper aware that I have to be vigilant in my choices everyday, because I could trip and fall back into the abyss at any moment.
I have to be extremely self-aware. I have to be able to recognize when I’m on the verge of a depressive episode. I have to be able to do something about it. I have to find the energy to act decisively and effectively, when I barely have the energy to do the most basic things. If I fail to catch myself, I don’t have any safety net as a back up.
Managing depression without therapy or medication is, in some ways, a choice that I’m privileged to have been offered. Many experience depression too severe for this to even be a realistic, viable option. But at the same time, it is in some ways purely circumstances that have led me to making this “choice.” It takes a long time to build a rapport with a therapist to the point where they can really make a difference; I’ve been moving around far too much in the past year or so for this to be a feasible option. As for medication, the types available vary from country to country. While there are ways to work around this, since it’s really only a logistical problem, I would get anxious just thinking about what might happen if I suddenly didn’t have access to the medication that I needed, for one reason or another.
But this isn’t a series about the fears and anxieties of depression. This is about the things I do from day to day that make it easier for me to keep out of the dark.
This isn’t meant to be a self-help segment. I don’t expect what worked for me to be universal. I do advocate for seeking therapy (with a therapist you like), and taking medications as you feel necessary. I also want to emphasize that a lot of what worked for me just came out of me doing something different on a whim, and then realizing, “Huh, I feel better today.” And so I would take that up as a habit.
It’s a bit of an experiment, since I don’t know if I’ll be any good at writing about an ongoing struggle that is so central to my life; much less if my experience will be of any use to anyone but myself. But I want to try this anyway, so here goes.
I intend this segment to have 4 subcategories:
- Eating and cooking
- Exercise: routine but not boring
- Nature and hiking
- A social life that helps
This is me, sharing ways that help me to keep ahead of the shadows in my mind.