The sad reality is that no matter how much I try to stay afloat and happy, there are times when circumstances align and create really sucky days. But sometimes, it just takes one or two wrong comments at the wrong time, and I’m locked in a dungeon in gloomsville for a week.
For me, the worst of these are unexpected left turns in social situations. An unexpectedly negative comment about something I’m excited about, from someone I thought would be excited for me. A sudden outburst directed at me that seems strangely disproportionate to what started it.
Events like these can take my day from somewhere between OK and mostly happy straight to the land of gloom and I-can’t-write. These generally take place in the morning or evening. Similarly to the reason why I can’t exercise in a depressive episode (the exercise creates a racing pulse and heavy breathing reminiscent of an anxiety attack, which triggers an actual anxiety attack), I already have low energy, and with the onslaught of distressed and/or sad emotions, my body can misinterpret this as depression, which becomes an actual depressive phase that I struggle to shrug off.
So what do I do about it?
Well, it depends. The most direct approach is a conversation with the person. I can confront them about why their words are upsetting. But this, I’ve found, only works with certain people. Some people get angry, and not having the energy to fight back, I get pushed further into the ditch. Other people get overly apologetic, compelling me to comfort them, which again drains me and pushes me further into the ditch.
I could make the argument that in the long run, it’s worth having this discussion anyway, even if it is potentially distressing. But in this context, I’m talking about a scenario where I would have to sacrifice my mental well-being for awhile in order to sustain that discussion. That is never a choice I would consciously make. My policy is always do what’s best for me first and foremost. Unfortunately, it’s all too easy to end up spending the day in a daze, just trying to make the unhappy feelings go away.
What I need is internal resilience. That’s far easier said than done.
I find that it helps to remind myself that the other person’s words and/or actions were very likely not just about me, but largely about them. I find it helps even more to ask myself, “Why did this phrase bother me so much?” And then to follow through on that train of thoughts. Very frequently it will lead me to a self-revelation of an insecurity or a fear, and with that brought to the forefront, I can begin to confront it directly and try to work through it.
Sometimes it helps to talk it through, though I’m increasingly finding that this puts the train of thoughts in the hands of someone else, which can make any useful self-revelations take longer than they would if I worked through it by myself. That said, there are times when solitude only makes it harder to see clearly, and a second pair of eyes truly helps.